They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Floor bacon is actually really good
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
