i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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