I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
