I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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