God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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