I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
