I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
