I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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