i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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