A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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