operation harelip BJ is a go
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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