you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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