I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
