I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
