My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
