R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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