Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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