I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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