im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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