I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
