I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
