nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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