i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
