Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude i'm inner monologue high
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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