Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
