Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
