Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
