when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
