you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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