I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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