i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
BRING THE BAGELS
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
