you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
