my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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