Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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