Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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