Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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