You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
