You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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