i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
