i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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