DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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