last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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