haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How naked do you want me to be?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
