His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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