a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
