dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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