I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
