I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
