you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
