I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
