the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
